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 Be A Patient Listener
Written by Jill Malleck, Facilitator / Organization Development Consultant
Epiphany at Work • www.epiphanyatwork.com
re you an impatient listener? Lately I have noticed that when I am busy it is harder for me to listen. When the information I want isn't immediately forthcoming, my impatience flairs. I quickly tire of waiting and feel time-pressured. I silently wish the speaker would "Get to the point!". The negative impact of this internal churn is that I stop listening. I might interrupt the speaker to clarify what I need, or worse, begin tossing questions at them.
Many leaders have short attention spans, quick intellect and a high need for information. This combination supports a natural inclination toward impatience, and creates a non-listening stance that can stifle openness. Here are some tips to help you curb your impatience and improve your listening to get the information you need.
For each topic, articulate how much detail you need - The level of detail you need will change from topic to topic and day to day. Others may prefer you to be consistent. So, if you dig deep one day, your staff begin to assume you want the same level of detail the next day. This is especially true when you are a new leader. All the time you spend in the beginning being curious and gathering data looks like normal go-forward behaviour to your staff. Once your initial data gathering is done, you need to let people know that they can lighten up on the details.
Engage with your speaker to draw conclusions - Your brain is racing with possibilities, frameworks and options as you try to figure something out. You may be running miles ahead of the speaker. No longer quietly listening, you start firing questions in the areas you want to explore. Remember that you're not sorting through a bin for what you need - you are talking to a person with the capability to think it through. Instead of grilling them from every angle, admit you don't get it and engage them in helping you sort it through. Saying, "I'm not sure what this means" or "Why do you think this is important?" permits them to move to their conclusions more quickly. It also sends a message that you respect intellect and opinions other than your own.
When the details are overwhelming, ask for it in writing - Speakers get as tired as listeners when having to recount every detail. If it feels like too much (a good sign is that you are busy scribbling notes instead of looking at the speaker) then stop and ask them to document instead. Invite the speaker to reschedule a meeting to discuss the relevancy and next steps after they have sent you the details in writing.
Just sit there and listen - Recognize your own impatience and take ownership for it. Your job as a leader is to listen. This allows you to get to know people better and understand what motivates or frustrates them. It helps you to see their problem-solving and decision-making patterns so you can coach and mentor. People whose preference is Extroversion need to think out-loud, often to reach their conclusions. Those with a preference for Introversion will share their conclusions, but you may have to ask questions to draw out their thought process.
Allow for emotional content - If the long-winded speaker is usually succinct, it may be that they have a tough message to deliver, and they are struggling. In business especially, people are careful to minimize risk. They may be afraid to tell you something that you need to know. Listen for emotional discomfort and demonstrate openness and gentleness. Prove that you can take the tough messages without harming the messenger. Give them more time then usual and empathize with their difficulty.
Interrupt respectfully - Our body language clearly signals what we often try to mask. Your tapping foot or pen, your sideways glances at the computer screen, your eyes rolling up as you plan for your next meeting - all are seen and register with the person you're supposed to be listening to. Instead of fidgeting, be direct. "I just don't have time right now to listen to these details." Together figure out what would be more effective.
Listening is a skill worth cultivating. As busy as you are, make time to be a sounding board and a confidante. It pays off in increased trust, more accurate and timely information and less negative surprises.
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